"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!""

Fell in love with this passage on the bus, read it a number of times over and made a mental note to jot it down somewhere. Ahh Kerouac, my love affair with you begins right about now.

p/s what's a dingledodie?

At my wit's end on how to fix a cassette tape with a broken reel. Cello tape? Glue? Chuck it out and get a new one? Shove it under the carpet and never look at it again?

Castaway on the Moon

Returning home early from work last night jaded and worn, having forgone a pub crawl and having been turned down by a friend to head out for dessert, I joined Glenn in the living room - me eating my microwaved spaghetti and he watching a random foreign language movie as per his regular Friday-night routine.

The movie that was on was a Korean movie called Castaway on the Moon (You KNOW it's an Asian language film when it's got words like RAINBOW, SUN, METEOR, HEAVEN, ANGEL, GARDEN, STAR dan lain-lain similarly pretty words in its title) Anyway, back to this film. It was about this dude who was so sick of life and all its trappings he wanted to kill himself. As fate would have it, he ended up on an island just hundreds of metres away from civilization. Looking across the body of water, you could literally see the towering buildings and sparkling bright city lights at night. This island however, was deserted and largely abandoned by authorities. Having chickened out of killing himself a few times, he had an epiphany and proceeded to build himself a life of subsistence - eating mushrooms off the land, catching fish from the river (or rather, killing them with detergent), gathering bird poo to obtain black bean seeds, converting an old river boat into his shelter - things like that. Also, he chucked away his credit card, expensive suit and other items that reminded him of "regular life". (Oddly enough, he put his cellphone away for safekeeping. Hmm) The story progressed on to how he eventually meets another "social freak" and gets thrown back into regular, civilized life, much to his dismay.

I am however not interested in giving an account of the plot, but rather to muse on what our society has become. Society tells you how to act, think and behave. Generation after generation of passed-down education teaches you what you should and shouldn't do. This capitalistic world system dictates that if you do not do well and get a good job, you absolutely cannot enjoy life. It's the survival of the fittest. You either find a good job or you find a bad job and wallow in self-pity. Advertising mediums shove bright-coloured pictures in your face telling you that you're not living until you've owned the latest technology. Social media bombards you with the idea that likes and comments are substitutes for conversations, subtly suggesting that relationships are overrated.

No one ever thinks of the possibility of taking a step back into the stone age - living a life of subsistence where long, heady days soaking in the sun are possible, where food consists of gathering the crop off the land or hunting wild animals, where cooking entails gathering firewood from sustainable sources, where we don't pollute the land because we are the land and the land is us. Technological advancement and the lust for money has sadly taken over our lives. Today, you can't enjoy the finer things in life if you don't own a paper degree from a "higher education institution". (OK I have a problem with that last sentence itself, because the "finer things in life" are socially constructed per se) This essentially means you can't do well if your parents aren't rich in the first place, because education, depressingly, has become a trade-able commodity. Also, because money controls the world, you cannot do anything about injustice and violence and pain if you don't own money. It is king, without a doubt. And all we do - this paper chase, this job chase - is all to horde more money, in order to achieve what society tells us is a good life.

Life has become a veritable hamster-wheel - people chasing after things and more things - but who do we have to blame? No one else but our own human race. With what we call the advancement of technology, has also come a generation of soulless individuals with no capacity to feel. I wonder - will we ever learn from our mistakes? Will our children be so engrossed in our technological legacies that their lives become virtual rather than literal - or will they look back on what we have done to ourselves and decide that civilization isn't all that civilized after all, and then change for the better?

Will what Peter Joseph envisioned in Zeitgeist become a reality? Where technology serves us, not the other way around. Or will the Bush clan continue to produce more right-wing politicians who continue to destroy our earth in the name of religion and national security?

"Does freedom mean that you are allowed to do anything you want to do? Or we could talk about all the limiting influences in your life that actively work against your freedom. Your family genetic heritage, your specific DNA, your metabolic uniqueness, the quantum stuff that is going on at a subatomic level where only I am the always-present observer. Or the intrusion of your soul's sickness that inhibits and binds you, or the social influences around you, or the habits that have created synaptic bonds and pathways in your brain. And then there's advertising, propaganda, and paradigms. Inside that confluence of multifaceted inhibitors," she sighed, "what is freedom really?"

Mack just stood there not knowing what to say.

"Only I can set you free, Mackenzie, but freedom can never be forced."

-Papa, in The Shack

Heck, doesn't help that every single German person I talk to tells me Mannheim is the best econs uni in Europe, and doesn't help that my lovely German friends keep writing to me, and doesn't help that I keep meeting German people, and doesn't help that I keep seeing gorgeous pictures of Germany. Gah this is torture!

PFFFFTTTTT.

I just came back from Friday Night Church, something that I almost never look forward to when I'm scheduled on, but always come home from refreshed, renewed and so so blessed. (I never learn, apparently)

Today was the same. I was snuggled in bed, one of the rare days I had all to myself, and come 4.30 I whined... "oh Godddd do I really need to go tonight?" Halfheartedly I plucked myself away from my book, got ready and headed off just in time to be late.

What an incredible Friday it was. Ps A had just come back from India and Cambodia, and he was sharing stories about how little the kids have but how much they loved God and the people around them. And then Casey got up and shared come giving time about how 2 dollars can change the world. literally. If everyone actually made the effort. And I was just bowled over again about how impactful selfless giving is. I mean, these are things I've known since I was a young girl and these are passions God has put in my heart - to care for the needy and to be conscious of how I can make a difference, and to be aware of how incredibly blessed we are in this part of the world. And tonight I was reminded again not to ever let that conscious thought get drowned out by my selfish desires and whims.

And then I come home to an email I was both hopeful to receive and dreading at the same time. And I just felt my heart sink. My hopes and dreams, something that I've so badly wanted for the past few months, something I've been praying so hard for and shed buckets of tears for and fought with my parents about - has culminated in this: nothingness. Square one.

I've sort of already anticipated it, tried to prepare myself for this eventuality. I wanted to have faith so badly, but truthfully, I didn't know whether that was part of God's plan for my life. It was 50-50 after all, to start off with. So I told myself come what may, be thankful and move on. But they always say the real thing is nothing quite like what you prepared for. And once again, this rang true.

It is quite devastating really. I feel like giving up altogether on the goals I've set in life, and just surrendering to a que sera sera attitude. A million thoughts and a deep whine is forming in me about how unfair life (and God) is, but I suppose the message I heard tonight, I heard for a reason. I am such a blessed child. I have everything I need and more. There are people across the world who would give anything to enjoy the same comforts I do. Yet I want more. More to satisfy my earthly desires. More so that I can enjoy and have fun. When will I learn to be completely thankful for the position that I'm currently in and to count my blessings?

SO disappointed in you at the moment, truth be told. Not that you didn't know. This whole drama was so unnecessary. I suppose it added to the fabric of my life and the stories I will live to tell, but seriously? What the heck for?! I will be ok. I just needed to vent. And to indulge in some self-pity. I know you know what's best, so I surrender.

You know what's best.

A Thanksgiving Prayer & a powerful reminder

Dear Lord, I couldn't move into another year without apologizing for the things I should've said earlier and didn't, and acknowledge the times I could've done better but didn't. Thanks for moving me while I grumbled about the changes you made. And thanks for the things you steered me past that could've tripped up my destiny. Thanks for the mountains you sent to give me a place to exercise my faith. I'm sorry I was so worried about who left me that I failed to thank you for who you let stay and I didn't even thank you that I am still here. You exposed me beyond my limitations, forced me to grow beyond my stagnation, and moved me from procrastination to a firm dedication to what is ahead! In spite of the blistering cold around me, I am warmed by your presence, kept by your grace, empowered by your faith in me, and strengthened by your patience. I want to thank you that I have known love, tasted laughter and have not had to live life without a touch. As the year closes, leaves change, temperatures plummet, birds migrate south and the freeze matriculates north, I too am now prepared. I have packed what I needed, discarded what restricted me, recycled what I could, and at last in the true spirit of Thanksgiving, I thank you God, I too, am finally ready to move on. Amen.

-T D Jakes

So what if obedience and sacrifice are one and the same?

Attempting to climb coconut trees in Malacca. Learning to use the word 'bastard' from my cousin. Bicycle rides around the village with her. Watermelon patch. Falling into the drain and being hosed off by mama while crying my heart out. Being scratched on the forehead by ah mei. Being a kid-bitch. Assuming the role of noise-police in class so I was hated by classmates. Calling then-bestie over the phone everyday to ensure I didn't get any math answers wrong so as to avoid being caned. Erecting a 'memorial' with the neighbourhood kids in honour of a dead actress. Pou pou the daschund. Being jealous of Grace in kindy. Swimming lessons with the cell group kids and Mr Bikini. Straight-A student who's possibly the most un-streetsmart kid around. Sadness. Emotional pain. Screaming because I wasn't allowed to watch tv. That time when my mom read my diary and I lost it. Walls put up. That time when papa scolded me, the only time he ever has in his life. Fighting with ah mei every Sat morning. Feeling like shit because I wasn't as manually dexterous as some of the other girls in Rangers. Breaking down due to massive expectations and responsibilities in 'ministry'. Generally happy but always striving to become something else. Speeding away in that white kancil. One-liners over the phone. Hurt. Disillusionment. Prophecies. Beauty for ashes. Contagious joy. ENFP/J. Always feeling like there's more. Discontented. Never feeling like I fit in. Keeping busy to appear busy. Running. Always running. Respite in Pappa Rich nasi lemak with Kim. Drives in her car. Talks. For hours. Praying together. Tears. Lots of tears. Dreams. Brooke Fraser. Drums. Always wishing I could play better. Always wanting to live on a beach. Listening. Peace-making. Melbourne. Airplane with Anna. Talks that brought a bunch of friends together. The sixers. Burnt out weekends. Hamster on a wheel. No space to breathe. Dance. Wishing I danced more. Clutter. Lots and lots and lots of clutter like you wouldn't believe. Responsibility. Seriousness. "Holiness". No snakes. Coming to love my sister so much that each time I think of us I want to cry. Joy at seeing her growing into her own person though she is so much like me. Responsibility. Money. Independence. Envy. Restlessness. Movies. Hangouts with Ivan. Talks with Bawanie and Kim. Siyan staying over. Lunch with Ian and Siyan. Remembering Ian and the way his life was cut short. Miracles. Praying for a miracle. Running all over town in search of a miracle. Hoping. Desperate cries. Insecurity. That time I had dinner with a bunch of cool people. Boy talks. Chicken pox and Linkin Park. My first email account. Neopets. Internship. Teaching kids at the tuition centre. Hating school with a passion. Indoctrination. Syarahan. Story-telling. Skinny as hell. Eventually coming to belong in youth. Learning to love myself and know that I'm beautiful. That attempt to talk in the car and vowing I'll never tell her anything again simply because of the way she responded. Hurt. Hurt so deep I became numb to it. Putting on a show. Short skirts. Covering up. So many chains that bind. Grey's Anatomy and 24 with the sister. Comforting her in the car after the poor kid was yelled at during Christmas. Having to grow up. Christmas joys and eye-rollings. Walls. Emails. Zoo with the family. Chinese New Year movies. That time we left koko at home because he was late. Rice on floor that chap goh mei. Orange plastic plates. Boat trips to Pulau Ketam every chap goh mei. Papa horsing around with ah mei. ah mei and her wah lai toi shows.... This is going to take me forever if I go on...

I don't know why, but at some point this afternoon, I just stopped to think about my journey so far. Having lived 21 years, I'd like to think I'm so young and I've got a wealth of experiences to go through before I finally retire, old and wrinkled and surrounded by the people whom I love/love me. But I also realized, at some point this afternoon, that I've been toying with the idea that I've grown up up too fast. I can't deny it. I had to grow up too fast. I had to build walls around my heart. I had to block some people out. Maybe it was choice, maybe I didn't have to. But still. The fact is, my heart is flippin fortified. I felt this constant need to live up to other people's labels and expectations of me as a person. I suppose I'm naturally good at leading, but these expectations made me feel like I HAD to do things I didn't want to. Just looking back at all my experiences, heck, that was a hell lot for a child to handle. I mean, it wasn't all bad. There were a whole lot of wonderful experiences thrown into the mix. But you know how we tend to remember the pain better. I'm getting all emotional just reliving those experiences again, and I don't know if I wish it was different. Maybe I'm a better person because of all the pain. Maybe I'm more empathetic because of all my hurt. Maybe I'm more long-suffering due to my *insert swear word here* Chinese-school education. And I actually think I am. I am the sum of all my experiences.

Someone once told me God is giving me beauty for ashes. My two years in Adelaide is slowly bringing that word to life. I can't thank God enough for bringing me here. It's been one heck of a bittersweet journey, more valleys than mountaintops, but oh my god. Just the growth I've experienced. The change. The new things. The stripping away of things that bind. The growing into intimacy with Christ. The stripping away of religion. The learning to be vulnerable again. The learning to be real. The rest. The freedom. GOD, the freedom. TRUE freedom, not just from doing things, but in life and relationships. I wouldn't trade these things for the most incredible mountaintop experinces in the world (real or metaphorical). And sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

I've got so much more learning and growing and experiencing to do. But at this point, I'm just restful. Partly because I'm done with uni for the year, partly because my current situation of waiting is causing me to have to purge emotionally, partly because I'm just thankful. For the wealth of emotions and experiences that God has given me. Heck yeah it's crap while you go through the refining fire. But once you cross over and start looking back, you realize you wouldn't really have had it another way.

So thank you God. I realize I'm such a whiny kid sometimes when I can't bring myself to expand my vision, but today is one of those days I'm expanding it. So thank you. You are amazing. <3

Wow. Totally just had one of those incredibly epic nights you never plan for/expect.

The two cross-continent Skype chats I just had was bittersweet. On the one hand, I loved every second of chatting with these two girls who will without a doubt become lifelong friends, and I loved to hear all the exciting stuff that's happening in their lives. It made me happy to hear their stories and blessed to know they loved me enough to tell me, and that is such a joy - friendships that transcend time and location.

But on the other hand, it brought a bout of self-pity I have not experienced in quite some time, and tonight I faced those demons again. I have to remind myself that I am incredibly blessed in so many ways, and I should never EVER compare myself to anyone else. Who are we to dictate what's true happiness or not anyway. In every experience, in every situation and circumstance, there's a lesson to be learnt and a memory to cherish. And even though so far things haven't turned out the way I idealistically expected them to while all seems to be rosy for my girls, it's not fair on me if I allow envy to take over. Because I know that everyday I am being shaped and molded into all that I can be through all the persevering I'm doing. So to wallow and whine is to NOT celebrate the greatness that is to come. And that is unfortunate. And so I run and keep running, knowing that all things will work out for the good of those who trust Him.

Just a conflicting mix of emotions that I needed to get out there. Times like these, I thank God I have this space to vent.

Also thinking of you, bestie, and praying for your family.

Also thinking of you, Mr bicycle, and your interesting development.